I will try to be careful how I write here, as I am currently overwrought with emotion and don't want to sound like I'm complaining/ranting too much...
And I know that I'm supposed to live one day at a time, submitting my life and everything to the Lord, and stop trying to control my own life...and in a lot of ways in the past couple weeks as I've made this conscious decision over and over and over each day, it has really helped me feel lighter, more at peace, and (once) almost a trace of serenity...and has also made me a less aggressive driver.
But tonight I am not serene - not even close. I am too frustrated and angry and panicky-feeling that Reason's knock on the door can't be heard over the cacophony in my heart. To put it lightly, I am perturbed! And why, you may ask?
Because of some fog. Some thick, low-lying, near zero-visibility fog that prevented Ben's plane from landing after an absence of almost 2 weeks. Instead, he was re-routed to Seattle (what was the point, I ask, of even leaving Las Vegas in the first place?) and may or may not make it back tomorrow, as there is a major winter snowstorm supposed to blow in tomorrow afternoon!
Your hypothetical self may be wondering at this point why I am so upset if he's only been gone 2 weeks and may be delayed only a day or so longer? Because like I posted earlier, I am deploying very soon...I leave in 2 weeks, and want as much time as possible to spend with him before I'm gone for 4+ months in a foreign land.
I guess this is just the straw that broke the camel's back...the bricks the camel is already carrying are that since Ben got back from his deployment at the end of April this year, he and I have been in the same place on the same schedule for only about 3 weeks out of the past 7 months. As soon as he got back, he was put on swing shift, which means he typically works 2-11pm, so he gets to work before I leave, and gets home after I'm in bed asleep. I tried for a while to shift my sleep schedule so that I would go to bed as soon as I got home (say around 5-6pm), then wake up at midnight or so to hang out with him until he went to bed and I went to work around 6:30am-ish. But I quickly found out that shifting my schedule like that had a highly detrimental effect to my health, exacerbating problems I've been going through for a while (I guess the past couple years you could say I've been pretty sickly). So while he's on swings I pretty much only see him on the weekends for a few hours. On top of that, he and I have both been tasked several times in the past few months to leave Spokane for training or TDY (temp duty somewhere else), or have worked through multiple weekends on opposite shifts during a base exercise. The long and the short of it is, I hardly feel like I have a husband anymore. I mean, his pictures are on the walls in the house, and I talk with him on the phone almost every day, but I feel like I'm married to the Air Force.
Now don't misunderstand me...I love my job (aircraft maintenance on the sweetest flying gas station ever made! NKAWTG!) and I am very, very excited about this deployment and the development opportunities (character, leadership, etc. as well as lots of time to work out!) and I am very grateful to the AF for funding my education and helping me find my husband...
But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I mean, I knew back while I was in ROTC that being a military member required certain sacrifices of you, particularly if you are a dual-military family, but I was not nearly as emotionally prepared as I was mentally (and even my mental preparation wasn't complete). This is getting so hard. I recently read "John Adams" by David MacCullogh (fantastic, I highly recommend it!) and really came to admire and respect his wife Abigail for the sacrifices she made, the years they spent apart, and how although she loved him and wanted to be with him, she put her young country's needs ahead of her own. In many ways, I desire to model myself after her. But even with such a great example to follow, the sacrifice is hard. And I'm struggling to calm down, quiet my soul, and make my purpose as a wife to help my husband succeed. In this case that would mean not freaking out when he can't make it home when he thought he would, and letting him know I've got things under control here on the home front so he doesn't have to get distracted from his important job of training and being ready to support and defend our nation and its people. I really want to do that...but I think it's going to take a few hours of sitting on the couch eating yet another Lean Cuisine (because who wants to cook for just themselves after working 50+ hours a week?) and holding my kitten-child (Frankie, the one in the picture with me), and just taking time to breathe.
Ok I realize I'm writing all of these posts in advance of anyone knowing about my blog, but wanted to get these thoughts out of my head, and keep you up to date on what's going on in my life.
I really can't wait til I am an Air Force wife and mother! But that's quite a few months/years down the road, and I need to just focus on tomorrow...
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plans to prosper...
it can be extremely hard being away from the one you love. granted, i've never had to be away from beth as long as you've had to be away from ben, and i know your stress and anxiety from it has to be much more than mine ever was... but remember that even when ben isn't there, or when you're the one who's away, even then you're not alone. there is One who is always there. it doesn't make the sacrifices any more pleasant, but the Comforter was given to us at pentecost and will not leave us.
when israel was taken into captivity by babylon, families were split, towns, friends, households were rent apart and carried off to a strange land, around strange people. even then, the Lord was with them:
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
i know that looking to God, rather than to a husband (or in my case a wife) you can see and touch and hold for comfort isn't easy, and having someone tell you to do it and even someone tell you that it's not easy doesn't make it any easier... :-/ but even in deepest anxiety, in darkest despair, remember He is always with you, and will prosper you and not harm you, He will give you hope and a future.
...also... why didn't you tell me you started a blog?
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